Within the past few days, it's like a spell has lifted...I was going through a particularly surly period. Nobody could get out of my way fast enough (or in it, either.) I was only honing in on the inconsideration of others - the guy with his feet up on the seat on the train, the woman talking Too Damn Loudly on her phone, the stupidness of airport security (had to check my bag when we were heading to NY last week because the SNOW GLOBES we were bringing to Jason's mom from California were newly designated as security risks.) Mad all the time and not feeling like a nice person - and WALLOWING in it. Ooh wee...good times.
I had dinner with Sarah at Ras Dashen last week...Ethiopian food is my current obsession...and I was telling her about this mood as we worked our way through a carafe of homemade honey wine (tej). I told her how earlier that day, I had gotten pissed at the pen I was using because the ink wasn't flowing smoothly enough for me - I was mad that it wasn't doing it's job properly. In the moment, I really wasn't happy with this pen AT ALL, but as I told Sarah the story, she almost spit out her wine when I mentioned that I was not only angry with the pen, but that I yelled at it...and it suddenly dawned on me that I was acting like a LUNATIC. :)
I must remember to take time away from politics EVERY DAY. I'm certain it is that that is making me so cranky of late.
Sorry, pen. And if you were anywhere in my vicinity in the past three weeks or so - sorry, you.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
I am not sure what to do
It's the elephant in the room, how to say "I'm thinking about you" on this day...is it only a year? It is already a year?
This time of year will always be about him, with the anniversary May 30 and his birthday June 11. Birthday, deathday, two sides of the same coin.
He came once to tell me that he could see everything, 360 degrees, perfect sight. Maybe he'll come again soon and tell me more. I don't mind if you don't understand that - if it bugs you to think that he has visited me, then just think about how much comfort thinking that provides me. I promise I'm not crazy.
Now we'll talk of it in terms of years, not months. Every day is a day longer since I've seen him, a day closer to when I see him again. Time is such bullshit - it's not big enough.
This time of year will always be about him, with the anniversary May 30 and his birthday June 11. Birthday, deathday, two sides of the same coin.
He came once to tell me that he could see everything, 360 degrees, perfect sight. Maybe he'll come again soon and tell me more. I don't mind if you don't understand that - if it bugs you to think that he has visited me, then just think about how much comfort thinking that provides me. I promise I'm not crazy.
Now we'll talk of it in terms of years, not months. Every day is a day longer since I've seen him, a day closer to when I see him again. Time is such bullshit - it's not big enough.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
there are a couple of things to say
It's a hard night tonight; 5:06 AM and I'm still awake. Hard night. It happens like that, still, sometimes. I've been thinking about Kev and crying a lot tonight, not sure why. I was in bed thinking about what I wrote to Sophie on the 10th anniversary of her dad's passing:
Thinking about it always being one more day since I saw him or talked to him is hard to get past, still so fucking sad and heavy. Then I think about it upside down on purpose, and realize it's not that it's days longer since I've seen him - it's days closer to when I see him next. That should make me feel better, and it probably will later, but right now I'm typing in the dark with it sitting on my chest; not sleeping.
Here is what little miss Kailyn thinks of all this sniffling:
Your wish is my command, Miss Thang! :)
it's scary to think that kevin's been gone for almost one year. the entire time i was home for christmas, i kept thinking, this time last year this time last year this time last year. i don't want it to get any further away because i don't want it to ever be a longer time since i saw him last. does that make sense?
Thinking about it always being one more day since I saw him or talked to him is hard to get past, still so fucking sad and heavy. Then I think about it upside down on purpose, and realize it's not that it's days longer since I've seen him - it's days closer to when I see him next. That should make me feel better, and it probably will later, but right now I'm typing in the dark with it sitting on my chest; not sleeping.
Here is what little miss Kailyn thinks of all this sniffling:
Your wish is my command, Miss Thang! :)
Friday, February 08, 2008
Ketchup
Well. There you are.
Work = crazy, in a good way. Every single day I am so happy I'm doing what I do. Especially on a day like today, when I find out that I will be signing up with a health plan (yay!) that is paid for entirely by my employer (YAY!!!!) BUT, I have to find a new oncology team, because my current one isn't included in the network. Crap. The insurance game is such a freakin scam - I can't wait until we are successful in turning this around and making it right for everyone. EVERYONE.
I have a new niece, who I hear is a gorgeous little peanut. She was born on Jason's birthday, too, which is a lovely connection, I think. Can't wait to meet her - thinking about a quick weekend out there in March, maybe around when Craig & Ellen come in from Houston so we can have a mini reunion of sorts.
It was a bad depression for a few months, but I feel a lot better now.
What else? Anti Gravity Surprise is giving a performative talk at the Hyde Park Arts Center on March 3, which should be a hoot. If you're local, come on down and make stuff with us. The Dill Pickle is moving and grooving - we did a benefit last month that brought in almost $3000. Yeah!! Almost almost almost....we are almost there. Fun fun.
It snowed on my birthday so we stayed in, ordered Thai food, watched some more Homicide (one more season to go and we're done!) and went to bed early. Paaaaaar-tay, wooo. This weekend is the official celebration: an outdoor concert at the Pritzker Pavilion (under a heated tent, natch) with Isotope 217 & some other folks; chow & sexy Asian cocktails at Oysy; then Sunday is the chocolate festival at Garfield Conservatory. I first went to that a few years ago, when I was going through chemo, and so when I go now of course I think of that time. I think I will always think of that time, but now it's from far away.
Work = crazy, in a good way. Every single day I am so happy I'm doing what I do. Especially on a day like today, when I find out that I will be signing up with a health plan (yay!) that is paid for entirely by my employer (YAY!!!!) BUT, I have to find a new oncology team, because my current one isn't included in the network. Crap. The insurance game is such a freakin scam - I can't wait until we are successful in turning this around and making it right for everyone. EVERYONE.
I have a new niece, who I hear is a gorgeous little peanut. She was born on Jason's birthday, too, which is a lovely connection, I think. Can't wait to meet her - thinking about a quick weekend out there in March, maybe around when Craig & Ellen come in from Houston so we can have a mini reunion of sorts.
It was a bad depression for a few months, but I feel a lot better now.
What else? Anti Gravity Surprise is giving a performative talk at the Hyde Park Arts Center on March 3, which should be a hoot. If you're local, come on down and make stuff with us. The Dill Pickle is moving and grooving - we did a benefit last month that brought in almost $3000. Yeah!! Almost almost almost....we are almost there. Fun fun.
It snowed on my birthday so we stayed in, ordered Thai food, watched some more Homicide (one more season to go and we're done!) and went to bed early. Paaaaaar-tay, wooo. This weekend is the official celebration: an outdoor concert at the Pritzker Pavilion (under a heated tent, natch) with Isotope 217 & some other folks; chow & sexy Asian cocktails at Oysy; then Sunday is the chocolate festival at Garfield Conservatory. I first went to that a few years ago, when I was going through chemo, and so when I go now of course I think of that time. I think I will always think of that time, but now it's from far away.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Quick hits
GUESS WHO is the new Events & Communications Organizer for the Campaign for Better Health Care???? Just guess. :)
Now my days are like this: I wake up slow to NPR, listen to the news for a few minutes, and when I've heard just about enough of this nonsense, I jump out of bed knowing I am going to work to get PAID to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Incredible!
And, after a mercifully short real estate hunt, Jason and I found the perfect apartment. It's big, well laid out, with lots of wood and stained glass and closet space. The tub is deep, the rooms are large, the storage is mighty, the vibe is vintage 40's style plus plus plus, and I cannot wait to move in there at the end of the month. It reminds me SO MUCH of my place in Sunnyside, I fell in love as soon as we walked in.
I feel very very lucky right now. Pics & more to come.
Now my days are like this: I wake up slow to NPR, listen to the news for a few minutes, and when I've heard just about enough of this nonsense, I jump out of bed knowing I am going to work to get PAID to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Incredible!
And, after a mercifully short real estate hunt, Jason and I found the perfect apartment. It's big, well laid out, with lots of wood and stained glass and closet space. The tub is deep, the rooms are large, the storage is mighty, the vibe is vintage 40's style plus plus plus, and I cannot wait to move in there at the end of the month. It reminds me SO MUCH of my place in Sunnyside, I fell in love as soon as we walked in.
I feel very very lucky right now. Pics & more to come.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Everything is new
Last week, we had amazing, violent thunderstorms in Chicago. I took a cab home that night and saw 100 year old trees on the ground, a lamppost knocked over, a car crushed. Wow. Later that night, I made myself comfortable in the chair in the front room and watched the storm and cried and let my heart connect with Kevin's. The lightning and thunder became the rhythm of our conversation. I asked questions that he answered, and he told me that he is okay, and that death is an expansion of your vision - you can see the whole universe at once. Your eyes aren't big enough to see all this right now, he said.
The next day, a call from the Campaign. "Can you come in for a second interview?" Oh yes, I can do that. It took them over two weeks to respond to my resume, so I wasn't sure I was even being considered for it, but then I did an hour long phone interview with them while I was in NY, and then nothing for another two weeks. Finally, this call to come in last Friday, and it was great. 90 minutes talking about the possibility of being paid to work for health care justice! Sweeeeeet.
Left the interview and went by Jason's office - it was apartment hunting day and we were off. Got stood up by the first management co., went to see an $1100 apartment which was about 600 sq. ft. "If we get rid of all our music and all our books, we can live here", J whispered to me as we looked around. Right. Depressing, cause I was like, is THAT what we're going to find for $1100 around here? Meh. Came home for a bit of lunch and on a whim, I checked the Reader site to see if any new listings had come in. Saw one, a couple of pleasant looking pictures, and called. "Come on by, I'm at the building now." We got there in about 15 minutes, and I don't know about Jason but this place had me at hello.
Here's the outside. The entrance to the building is through that arch and up a path through a garden. The iron fence outside the house is curved. Everything is in amazing shape - you can tell this guy works hard on his property. This is the diametric opposite of my current landlord, and it feels NICE.
You enter the apartment into a long hallway that runs to either side of the door. To the left, you walk past a deep coat closet into the living room. It's shaped like a large perfect rectangle. This is the far left of the room - built in bookcases and fireplace, mantel, stained glass windows, and a hardwood floor. It's the perfect size for our new couch:
A weird little kitchen, a tub that's much deeper than the one I have now, a giant dining room....we loved it. And, it's going for less than our rent budget. Went to go look at something else, a garden unit, about to go condo, overpriced and cold. Why are we still looking? We know what we want. Called the landlord of the place we dug - "Bruce, we love it, and we'd like to move in."
That night, the call comes in from the Campaign: "We'd like to offer you the job." MmmmmmmOKAY!! I was on Clark St. near Belmont when that happened and luckily, it's a part of town where there's LOTS of freaks and weirdos - so me doing my happy dance in the doorway of the punk rock store was not such an oddity. The next morning, Bruce's wife called - "Bruce liked you guys a lot and we'd like to give you the apartment." The job of my dreams and the apartment of my dreams with the guy of my dreams, all within 24 hours. We were at the Empty Bottle when Penny called about the apartment, leaving Bite after brunch, and stopped to do celebratory shots on the way out. Wahoo!
The next day, a call from the Campaign. "Can you come in for a second interview?" Oh yes, I can do that. It took them over two weeks to respond to my resume, so I wasn't sure I was even being considered for it, but then I did an hour long phone interview with them while I was in NY, and then nothing for another two weeks. Finally, this call to come in last Friday, and it was great. 90 minutes talking about the possibility of being paid to work for health care justice! Sweeeeeet.
Left the interview and went by Jason's office - it was apartment hunting day and we were off. Got stood up by the first management co., went to see an $1100 apartment which was about 600 sq. ft. "If we get rid of all our music and all our books, we can live here", J whispered to me as we looked around. Right. Depressing, cause I was like, is THAT what we're going to find for $1100 around here? Meh. Came home for a bit of lunch and on a whim, I checked the Reader site to see if any new listings had come in. Saw one, a couple of pleasant looking pictures, and called. "Come on by, I'm at the building now." We got there in about 15 minutes, and I don't know about Jason but this place had me at hello.
Here's the outside. The entrance to the building is through that arch and up a path through a garden. The iron fence outside the house is curved. Everything is in amazing shape - you can tell this guy works hard on his property. This is the diametric opposite of my current landlord, and it feels NICE.
You enter the apartment into a long hallway that runs to either side of the door. To the left, you walk past a deep coat closet into the living room. It's shaped like a large perfect rectangle. This is the far left of the room - built in bookcases and fireplace, mantel, stained glass windows, and a hardwood floor. It's the perfect size for our new couch:
A weird little kitchen, a tub that's much deeper than the one I have now, a giant dining room....we loved it. And, it's going for less than our rent budget. Went to go look at something else, a garden unit, about to go condo, overpriced and cold. Why are we still looking? We know what we want. Called the landlord of the place we dug - "Bruce, we love it, and we'd like to move in."
That night, the call comes in from the Campaign: "We'd like to offer you the job." MmmmmmmOKAY!! I was on Clark St. near Belmont when that happened and luckily, it's a part of town where there's LOTS of freaks and weirdos - so me doing my happy dance in the doorway of the punk rock store was not such an oddity. The next morning, Bruce's wife called - "Bruce liked you guys a lot and we'd like to give you the apartment." The job of my dreams and the apartment of my dreams with the guy of my dreams, all within 24 hours. We were at the Empty Bottle when Penny called about the apartment, leaving Bite after brunch, and stopped to do celebratory shots on the way out. Wahoo!
Friday, July 27, 2007
Everything continuing - slowly, sanely...
The heart stops briefly when someone dies,
A quick pain as you hear the news and someone passes
From your outside life to inside. Slowly the heart adjusts
To its new weight and slowly everything continues, sanely.
I'm missing my brother a lot. Ted Berrigan's words have gotten me through the worst of it so far. Maybe Kevin and Ted are hanging out together on the other side, smoking and drinking, talking poetry, riding motorcycles together.
There have been some violent endings and beginnings lately. Cycles. Sine waves of yes and no. I have been immersed in deep love and thick anger, usually within minutes of one another. Yay for moodswings! Meh.
It's time to reconnect with myself though. It's been a long time since I felt like I had big chunks of alone time - I need more of this. I'm ready. Being with people keeps me from going too far into my head, which hasn't been a bad thing in the immediate past but can't be the only thing moving forward. Dates: me, myself & I, heading out on the town, or not. Gretchen is gone this weekend, to Austin for work (poor thing) and I am in my orange room with the air as cold as I want it and the music that I want playing at the volume that I want and only answering the phone if I want to and eating as many cherries as I want and going to bed when I want. When *I* want.
Sent materials for a gig with the Campaign for Better Health Care - the stability of a f/t gig is appealing after so much recent upheaval, and I'm tired of being so utterly wealth-free - but I have not heard from them in the week since I sent my resume. Come on, CBHC! You're like the guy I went out on the perfect first date with a few years ago - we'd been flirting for something like three years, with one or the other of us in a relationship every time our paths crossed - UNTIL: Whoa magic! We're both free! - and we go on this amazing, perfect date, and - and he doesn't call me afterwards. This guy had been after me for THREE YEARS - what the hell was he thinking, blowing me off??? And this is how I feel about the Campaign for Better Health Care right now. Baby, I'd be so goooooooood for you! I'll do you right! We're meant for one another - so why haven't you called?? You know you want me.
I have appointments with both my oncologist and my radiation guy next Monday. For the onc, it's a six month followup since seeing her in January, for the rads guy it's the first time seeing him since rads ended last year. (Oops.) I'm glad they're both on the same day, though - it will be good to get that over and done with in one fell swoop. Jason is coming with - I didn't even ask him, he just told me he wants to go with. Wow.
And, wow. These cherries are utterly perfect. They've been so good over the past month or so - whenever I eat them in the summer, I always remember how much I love them, how much I miss them over the winter. Where do cherries grow year round? That's where I need to be.
I haven't written regularly in a few years now. I'm taking steps to correct that now, here and on paper and by other random means as well. Good habits, bring 'em! Here's another: I started rowing, at the gym for now but I am going to get onto the water as soon as I feel able. I row so much that right now, I have blisters on my hands, under my ring finger on the palm of my left hand, and under the ring and middle fingers on the palm of the right. It feels so good that I don't care if my palms are bleeding. I will find gloves and I will keep rowing. This rowing machine is like a crackpipe in my gym for me - which is awesome, because it makes me go more often - I gotta have it. I haven't been able to drop any of the post-chemo weight yet, and I don't know if what I've added is due to the meds or not, but I've decided although I'm utterly breathtakingly amazingly hot, I should go to the gym more anyway.
There's not a whole lot happening, I just wanted to write out Ted Berrigan's words tonight and think about them for a million years.
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